When I was in year 8, I joined my school rugby team. Now, the more curious amongst you would have noticed something interesting about me: I'm black. This was not something black kids in my school readily did. However, I loved a challenge and thought this was a way to channel my aggression which was always a little high. I told my mum I was joining the rugby team and she did what all black mothers often do. She reminded me that I was black and that I had no business playing rugby. I disagreed with her and a few weeks later, I joined the team. The first few games were with neighbouring schools and to our surprise, we dominated the games and often won. What are team lacked in technical skills, we compensated for in speed, agility and power. We kept on receiving compliments about our speed and we were getting pretty confident about our rugby ability.
We then had to face another team from a different borough, one that matched us in speed and agility but was also very technically gifted. We were excited because this win would cement our status as a great team. Not only a team that had speed and agility but a fully competent and well-rounded team. I relished this opportunity but little did I know God wanted to teach me a different lesson.
The refer blew the whistle and the match started, we were making progress and things were going pretty well. The game was even and I, playing on the wing, had the job of stopping other wingers from making fast breaks. Around 30 minutes into the match, I locked eyes on a winger from the other team. He had received the ball and was starting to run towards me, gaining speed with every stride. I saw this and knew what to do. I ran straight towards him determined to stop him. He was already moving at what looked like full speed so I had very little time to pick up speed. Easy, I'm a sprinter! I caught him and went low to tackle him with my shoulder. He picked up his knee which I didn't see and so I kept on pushing. I drove my collar bone right into his knee. I took him off the floor and was able to halt his attempt at scoring. I felt proud of myself and my team cheered and celebrated me for my bravery. As soon as the adrenaline wore off, I started to feel a little dizzy and light-headed. Soon after this, I collapsed to the floor. It seemed the adrenaline had masked the injury, but I had broken my collar bone. I was soon rushed to A and E because the pain was unbearable.
What followed was months and months of physiotherapy, rehab and a cast I had to carry around. Oh yes, we also lost the match. Having become so used my physical prowess, it was gone. On top of this, my sacrifice led to nothing because we still lost.
I felt like I had failed and if you know me you know I don’t like failure. Not only is failure painful and humiliating, it usually means that the return on our time, effort, and money is zero. My cast was a physical reflection of failure and this event was the first time I really remember failing at something.
Unfortunately, as much as we hate failure, it is guaranteed. In fact, the only way that you can avoid failure is if you do not push yourself in any way.
In our high-achieving society, failure is often seen as the worst situation that one can encounter. Rather than embracing failure as a learning and growth opportunity, those who fail in some aspect of their lives will often see it as an immovable barrier, telling them that they are not capable of overcoming their weaknesses.
The truth is that failure is never the end of the road. It is simply an indicator that there are some parts of ourselves and our lives that we need to put more effort into in order to get the results that we desire.
All the mentors that I look up too say the same thing. "failure is a part of life", its simply unfriendly fact. After we fail it can feel like the best thing to do is to just give up. Why bother moving forward when the core of a person is already crippled? Not so fast folks. "Often we view failure as caused by internal sources, then the external ones. This means we blame ourselves for things that are actually external, and out of our control," said psychologist Nicole Martinez. In addition to the loss of self-esteem, we tend to sink our perspectives while fighting our inner monsters. You might not achieve all your goals but that doesn’t mean you're a loser and doomed from ever enjoying happiness again. No matter if it's a failed relationship or dream, here are principles to ponder after you've been sucker-punched by life.
Life is experienced as a constant, never-ending shift between successes and failures — sometimes occurring within moments of one another. To be human is to fail. We know this to be true from personal experience.
Maintain a flexible mindset
When you are rigidly trying to stick to a plan or achieve a goal, and things don’t go according to plan, then you feel like crap and things can get derailed. But if you have a more flexible mindset, and think, “I might not be able to go according to plan but that’s OK because things change,” then it’s not a disaster when you get off track. There’s no single track that you have to stay on.
When you fail, that’s actually really good information. Before you failed, you thought that something would work (a prediction), but then real-world information came in that told you it didn’t work. That means you now know something you didn’t know before. That’s excellent. Now you can adjust your plan, figure something new out, try a new method. Keep learning.
Ask for help
Nobody successfully navigates life alone. When the hope inside us begins to fade, we look for it in others. When I’m struggling with something, I know that I can either give up, or I can figure out a better way. But it’s not always easier to figure out a better way, so I reach out to my network of trusted friends, and I ask them for help.
They might give me simple, obvious, why-didn’t-I-see-that advice that I need, or brilliant tips, or accountability. Whatever happens, you can reach out to people who have been there before. It’s never too late to seek help.
Create a Map That Will Help Translate Failure into Success
When faced with failure, it can be difficult to convince ourselves to move forward. This is especially true if the failure that you were faced with was large and required a ton of work to go from point A to the not-so-successful point B.
No matter what the size of your failure is, don’t be afraid to go back to the beginning and chart out each of your decisions. Which ones worked? Which ones were unsuccessful? Once you’ve identified what didn’t work out, you can begin to replace those actions with better ones that will translate into success.
Accept Responsibility for Your Role in the Failure
Taking responsibility for the things you did wrong will help you in the long run. When faced with failure, your first instinct may be to direct the failure in another direction.
For example, you may choose to blame your failure on an external factor or on another person. Although this will help you feel better in the short-term and drive away the fear that typically comes with failure, it won’t help you to recognize your own role in the failure.
Move it.
Keep moving forward in your purpose. Go take a trip, or embrace a change of scenery to clear your head. If you need help seek a trusted friend to give suggestions. When we keep focusing on the same images again, it makes us more depressed. Sometimes we need to force ourselves to walk away from things that no longer serve us. This may even re-inspire you to get back in the game.
Not so easy, huh? We know, but you can't allow failure to take down self-esteem, health and your future. Give life another whirl and resist the temptation to curl into a ball and emotionally die. The powerful choices you make today can alter your tomorrow for the better or for the worse.
This weeks email was meant to be out on Monday but I failed because I was caught up with a range of small tasks I could have planned for. I failed. I'm taking it seriously but not personally. The plan is now to plan better so next week is even better. Thank you for being patient with me.
Mondays with M.T.
Content recommendation this week:
Lets Talk Common Sense Podcast: A Dummies Guide to Brexit with Femi Olawole
Honestly the break down of everything was so Simplicity and nice. Thank you Mike
Amazing. Needed. Poignant. Thanks Mike!