Don't Let Your Struggle Define You
Good Morning Family,
The Woman with the issue
I still remember the Sunday school session in church when we were introduced to the 'woman with the issue of blood’ (Matthew 9:20–22, Mark 5:25–34, Luke 8:43–48). The story was a fantastic tale of the transformative power of faith and determination. However, my young mind couldn't help but wonder. Even though the story was indeed amazing and there were many lessons to learn, what often stayed with me was that throughout the story, we never learned this woman’s name. She is identified solely by her problem and was known around the city because of a chronic issue she had. When we read the story, we see her only through the prism of her struggle. This always made me sad.
Now, it was people who referred to her as 'the woman with the issue of blood' and we don't get an insight into how she saw herself. However, I think there are similarities with how she was characterised and how we sometimes characterise ourselves.
Many of us live our lives this way. We navigate life, internally keeping a tally of our failures and shortcomings. We wear it like an albatross around our necks and we allow it to weigh us down. With this digital entry, I’m, not pontificating, im speaking about myself. One of my skills and biggest weaknesses is that I am painfully self-aware. I notice everything and this starts with myself. For years, I would keep a tally of my mistakes and shortcomings and play them in an endless loop in my mind. It’s fair to say I battled pessimism but would often coat it as 'realism'. It wasn't realism, it was negativity and self-pity. It robbed me of enjoying some amazing moments. I've had many, representing Team GB, representing the UK as an ambassador to the European Union, and so much more. All these achievements at the time felt like nothing because rather than being present and enjoying them, I would be thinking of things I did wrong, why I didn’t deserve to be there and all the people who were probably better for the role. Thinking through the prism of our shortcomings really does rob us of the lives God promised us.
We all struggle
All of us struggle in life. Sometimes the struggles are fairly insignificant. Other times the struggles are completely overwhelming.
Many of us tend to focus on what isn’t working or what’s gone wrong in our past. Depression and anxiety seem to exacerbate the fight tenfold.
People mistakenly identify themselves by what they’ve done, what they do, or what has been done to them. Labels such as victim, addict, bipolar, failure, lazy, dumb, divorced, etc., can easily become defining features. The struggle becomes the identity. The struggle dictates who you are. It defines how you see yourself, what you believe other people see and shapes what you will do tomorrow.
While the past has greatly influenced who we are, it does not define who we are. Your past does not define, limit, or restrict you and who you choose to be. Our past only has as much power as we give it. Holding on to past failures and letting our struggles get the best of us will hold us back.
Here is an interesting thing I’ve discovered, irrespective of what we can see, everyone has an internal monologue. That monologue may or may not be negative. I've found that it doesn’t really how much you have on the outside, we all have a proclivity towards positivity or negativity. The good thing is that our mindset can be trained. its more difficult for some but it is possible for everyone to think through a different prism.
The Power of Choice in Struggle
Let’s talk about the actual struggle
In Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Victor Frankl explains his view that, while terrible circumstances can bring out the worst in people, ultimately, “Man’s inner strength may raise him above his outward fate.”
Which way we go, he says, comes down to the choices we make when faced with adversity. No matter what life sends our way, says Frankl, we always retain our power of choice. We can decide how we are going to respond, and it’s in these decisions that our character is revealed.
Of his experiences at Auschwitz, Frankl says, “There were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self.”
In facing one of the worst situations imaginable, Frankl still saw how individuals could exercise their free will in incredibly meaningful ways.
We can all take a critical life lesson from Frankl’s observations: no matter our circumstances, we always have control over what we do next — even if that action is in the confines of our mind.
It’s even stronger when we consider the biblical case. Struggles and challenges can be meaningful. James 1- 2:4 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
In the middle of the struggle, we can make choices and those choices help us grow.
“My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me; it has only strengthened me.”
Staying Grounded During Adversity
One of the key things that will determine how we respond during times of struggle is knowing who we are and understanding our purpose in life. When we have a strong sense of self and know who we are, we have a firm foundation from which to make decisions about how to handle life’s challenges. Knowing what our authentic self needs and desires, and having a strong grasp of our values, roots our decision-making in something meaningful and unchanging.
Similarly, when we understand our purpose in life (why we were created), we know what we want to contribute to the world, which will inform every decision we make. It may sound far fetched and lofty but it’s true. Staying grounded in our purpose also helps us to find meaning in whatever situation we are presented with — good or bad.
Frankl says that when we tap into our inner strength, we can even find meaning in our suffering. This allows us to retain our personal power in even the bleakest of circumstances.
Reframing challenging situations through prayer
As humans, it’s easy to get caught up in our pain (Dr. Rick Hanson says that our brains are wired to be “like Velcro” for negative experiences). For example, I’ve mentioned my struggle to let go of my shortcomings and mistakes. Often we feel that what’s happening to us is an injustice, and we actively resist it. But in focusing on the negative, we are cutting off our own potential for growth and learning. Not only that, but railing against our circumstances saps us of our strength and distracts us from making decisions that are in line with our authentic selves.
Prayer offers a different path. Rather than dwelling on our suffering (which actually prolongs it and makes the experience worse), we can draw on our inner strength to have a healthier, more positive response to our situation. In using prayer we still acknowledge the pain of what we’re going through, but instead of getting stuck in the experience, we can keep our attention on the bigger picture.
Prayer is so important when it comes to having a more positive response. In observing our thoughts and reactions non-judgmentally, we can identify where we’re leaning into our pain, and where we might be able to reframe our perspective more positively. We can ask ourselves, “How can I see this experience in a positive light?” Or at the very least, “What can I learn from this situation?”
Often the only way out of a painful circumstance is through it — and in cultivating our inner strength, we can find meaning on the other side.
We’re all facing challenges in our lives right now, but how we respond to those challenges tells the world so much about who we are. And if you’re really struggling, it’s ok. Think about how you can reframe your viewpoint and stay true to your inner self in how you respond to it.
You are not what you are going through
Resolve to never be defined by your mistakes and shortcomings. We all make mistakes. We all face challenges and difficulty. That’s part of the natural process of life. It’s these moments that offer us the opportunity to respond:
Just because we’ve lost our way doesn’t mean that we are lost forever. In the end, it’s not the failures that define us so much as how we respond.
In the end, everything can be taken from you but one simple thing: your ability to choose how you respond.
Have an amazing week
M.T. OMoniyi
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