Forgive Yourself For Your Past
Everyone makes mistakes, we all know this. Whilst it can be difficult to forgive people when they wrong you, it's sometimes even harder to forgive yourself.
Good Morning team, this week I want to talk about self-destructive tendencies and how we can overcome them. Last week, I caught myself midway through a thought process that I want to share with you today.
How are you doing M.T.?
On many fronts, things are good right now. On a range of projects and businesses I run, things are moving in the right direction. We are growing, hiring more staff and honestly, considering a global pandemic threatened our very existence a few months ago, to have bounced back this quickly is no mean feat.
These wins are the result of hard work by many, some good fortune and frankly, God’s grace. For many people, these events are cause for celebration and excitement, months of sacrifice finally paying off. However, for me, I wasn't happy. Last week, even with these amazing things happening on the outside, I found myself replaying my failures and shortcomings in my head. I kept on thinking about projects that didn't work out, bad judgements I had made or people that weren't around me anymore
There was no particular trigger for these thoughts, or at least I haven't discovered it yet. Still, I found myself revelling in past failures, right at the height of present successes. It got me thinking about all the times something like this had happened before.
The perfectionist curse
As a natural perfectionist, I'm very rarely satisfied or happy with something. I’m the guy who whilst everyone celebrates the closing of a project, will often be thinking about what didn't work out or could have been better. I prefer a good debrief meeting to celebration drinks. I’ve always been like this however the good thing is that over the years, learning how to manage people, I've had to learn how to keep this character trait sedated. I’ve learned how to celebrate people and give good feedback. However, internally, I had nurtured a habit of holding my failures too closely and allowing them to rob me of any present future job.
If you struggle with accepting mistakes or knowing how to make sense of them, consider this. Mistakes are inevitable when you are trying to do something meaningful in the world. Failures are often an indication that you are in the ring throwing punches which is far better than being a spectator on the sidelines. It is impossible to build and create without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.
There is nothing wrong with you being a perfectionist but do consider your relationship with failure
I’ve also written about failure more generally before: How To Deal With Failure
The war in the mind
I find it pretty interesting to consider the idea that everything could be going well on the outside but because of your mindset or 'what’s going on, on the inside’, it can totally distort how you interact with reality. Our thought processes have more of a hold on us than we think and the biggest war we ought to focus on winning is the war in the mind.
I recently entered a tennis tournament. Some context, a few weeks ago, I couldn't walk because of a trapped nerve in my lower back. Progress has been made but I’m still nowhere near where I used to be. When I entered the tournament, I knew I wasn't fit enough to win but my competitive nature drove me forward.
My road to recovery was going well, but not well enough to do well in a tennis tournament (or so I thought). Before the tournament started, I was thinking about all the able-bodied people that I would be facing, how much better they would be, not least because they could move. Midway through this thought process, I caught myself just like before.
I pulled myself to the side and gave myself a goal. I told myself ‘don't focus on other people or the past, focus on winning the war in your mind’. The task was simple, play each point as it comes, be present and don't become mentally undone. Folks, it’s crazy to say but I won the tournament. A massive shock to me but a testament to what can be achieved when you focus on winning the war in your mind and living in the present, not the past.
Here is what happens when you forgive yourself
When you are able to forgive yourself and move on from your past, you are moving closer to mental and emotional well-being. This is crucial if you are going to be a builder, growing business and managing people. It’s imperative you are emotionally healthy. These kinds of leaders create the best culture around them and get the best out of the people they manage. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes you've made does so much for you and others. It…
Sets you free from anger, guilt, and sadness
Allows you to move towards emotional growth and maturity
Helps you achieve peace of mind reducing anxiety and depression
Strengthens your coping skills
Allows you to build more positive relationships
Helps you to become far more productive and to sleep better
9 tips for forgiving yourself for the past
Accept responsibility for your mistake. Facing what you have done is the first step toward forgiving yourself. Don’t make excuses or try to justify your actions. Acknowledge where you were wrong.
Don’t suppress your emotions. It’s completely normal and even healthy to feel shame or guilt when you’ve done something wrong. So allow yourself to feel your emotions. Let your feelings out by having a good cry or talking with a trusted friend.
Remember that you’re not perfect. Remind yourself that you are bound to make mistakes, like anyone else. But you are doing the best you can to avoid making the same ones, and that’s all you can ask for.
Embrace mistakes as a learning experience. See this as an opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Identify where you could have done better and make a plan for how to handle similar situations in the future. This can help give you the confidence that you won’t repeat your mistakes.
Repair the damage. If your actions hurt someone, make amends by apologizing and look for ways you can make up to them. This can give you a sense of peace in knowing that you did the right thing.
Be realistic. As much as you may want to do so, there’s no way to go back in time and undo the past. Accept that you may not be able to completely escape the consequences of your actions. All you can do is use the experience to keep improving and growing.
Be kind to yourself. Don’t allow your inner critic to keep pestering you with negative thoughts and pulling you back into a trap of self-hate or pity. Practice self-love and show some compassion to yourself.
Focus on moving on forward. Holding onto past mistakes does more harm than good. Once you have accepted what you’ve done, taken action to correct any damage you did, let go and focus on taking steps to make better choices in the future.
Seek help if needed. Sometimes, the process of self-forgiveness is difficult to do on your own. Seek help from a family member or close friend, or consider talking to a therapist about how you can break unhealthy behavioural patterns and work on bettering yourself.
Have an amazing week folks
M.T. Omoniyi
1. How to create your own luck
I sat down with Dr Christian Busch on #CommonSensePodcast to talk about mindset and how it contributes to growth. We cover fear of rejection, serendipity and much more.
Apple: https://apple.co/2Raon2r
Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2PBNryR
2. How to deal with fake news
Some informational stuff here from The Common Sense Network on the topic of dealing with fake news. Take a look at this and let me know if it helps in any way.