Know Who You Are Or Other People Will Tell You
Know Who You Are Or Other People Will Tell You
Good Morning family,
Today I want to talk a little about identity. It’s a departure from my normal posts that focus on what and how. This post is about who because who we are is just as, if not more important than what we do. When you are a builder, pouring your life and expending yourself building something, it’s easy to overlook your own personal self-development. If you skip the crucial personal development you should do, your sense of identity can be brittle, and you can become very sensitive to criticism and fall prey to praise both of which are very dangerous.
Success makes you a target
There are no two ways about it, if you achieve something remarkable or are a remarkable person, people will talk about you. I mean, remarkable literally means, worth making a remark about. Pulling away from the pack or the crowd will draw a manner of things from people. Some will praise you and say wonderful things about you, some will criticise you and say very unkind things, some will misunderstand you and some will project their own insecurities onto you. These things are guaranteed. I’ve seen every one of them happen to me and I’ve spent time with countless people who see the same thing at work, on social media or whoever they attempt to break away from the pack. It comes with the territory.
What then can we do in the face of this? I believe the most important thing builders can do is build an internal framework of value and meaning that is not dependent on external factors. To really be grounded in a self-identity that’s not about praise or Criticism.
If you get hooked on what people say about you, you will have brain fog. When people love you, you're up and when they don't you're down.
The two selves
I’ve written about this before let's take another look at the two selves.
I’ve been working on a book for the past two years now on the topic of purpose and in one of the chapters, I talk about the concept of selves. I believe that during our day-to-day lives, each and everyone one of us navigates two different versions of ourself
Our public self is the version we want others to see, so we make a conscious effort to portray ourselves in that way. It's what we do on social media when we edit what we put on our stories. It's what happens when we go through the revolving doors and enter work.
On the whole, there is nothing wrong with this. We all may have a public persona or personal brand or the self we take to work. It’s important to remember to note that this isn't actually who we are. This self is very fragile and it’s dangerous to spend too much time on it.
By comparison, our private self reflects the information about ourselves that we don’t want the public to see — so we keep it secret and hidden. This is who we are when we get home, to our safe space, where no one is watching.
It is from this space that we build a strong framework of value.
When we assess other people’s character, we often confuse these two versions of “self.” In short, we make snap decisions about other people and who they are based on how they present themselves publicly. These snap judgements are often unfounded. Because, people tend to create a public self that promotes and aligns with their goals and biases — rather than presenting something that is true to who they are.
Politicians, for example, create a public self-designed to appeal to the majority — in order to win over voters. The public self, therefore, shouldn’t be taken at face value. It reflects very little about us as people — and is often used as a means to deceive others and persuade them we are something we’re not.
It’s clear, then, that our public self is not a true reflection of our character or value, and reveals very little about us. There is much work to be done on our private self.
Where do I start?
I think this starts by doing the work. Going on a journey and discovering more about yourself. This is the only way to protect yourself from being tossed to and from by external pressures.
Who are you really? Away from your job or the role you play at home as a mum, who are you? What are your passions? What makes you come alive? What makes you angry? What are your biggest fears? What adventures do you want to go on? What are your values, and what are your red lines?
I once spoke to a friend who said his family once went away on a family retreat. At the retreat, they had a session where they had to come up with a family sigil (a type of symbol) that represented their family values. That was so inspiring to hear. That you could sit down and come up with values and then stick by them.
I think we should all do this. The good thing about it is that, since you developed it away from other people, external pressures can't take those values away and so you can pay attention to people’s perception of you if you want, however, you don't have to take them in or even seriously. If you know who you are, other people can't tell you.
Take some time this week to ask yourself if your framework of value is internal or external.
I’m spending the week in Manchester because The Common Sense Network is partnering with One Young World to deliver this year’s One Young World Summit. It’s a full-circle moment. I first went to the summit at The Hauge, Netherlands as a delegate in 2018, today our business is partnering with them to deliver workshops and panels etc.
Folks, keep working hard and stay focused so many good things will come in good time!
This was me in 2018, after a life-changing week. Who knew years later, that we would be partners? Amazing stuff! God is good
Thank you so much for sharing