Good Morning digital family! I hope you are looking forward to a great week. So much personal news to update you with but more about that in a later issue. Today I want to talk about honesty.
Honesty is crucial to a healthy relationship with ourselves and others. It can help us resolve longstanding issues, find forgiveness, and deepen our relationships with the people who surround us.
Why do we lie? It’s clear that without being honest with ourselves we’ll never be honest with others. What are the obstacles to achieving this kind of clarity and how do we overcome them? And once we gain clarity, how do we communicate truthfully in a productive and positive manner?
This topic came about when I was talking to a mentee of mine. He said he didn’t mind me sharing this story with my digital family. He was essentially faced with a choice. At work, he had made a crucial mistake in a group project, however, no one knew he did it. His team would be scolded for the mistake in a few weeks when a general team review was to take place. He could own up to the mistake now and take all the blame or keep quiet and wait for the team to collectively be blamed later. Does he lie when asked about the problem?
“We lie because we’d rather live with the long-term consequences of lying to ourselves and others than face the temporary pain of the truth.”
“Living in our own little world of self-created lies and avoiding the truth of our life experience takes great energy and produces an even greater amount of stress.”
When we lie and tell untruths. We end up People pleasing. Worrying about what people think about us rather than being the most authentic version of ourselves. The trade of means we are often out of alignment and out of integrity with ourselves.
Every time we are faced with a situation, there is always a trade-off that happens. We can tell truth, which will cause you existential joy and temporarily inexpedient or lie and receive temporary favour but existential angst. I do a whole masterclass on truth which you can come to later this year. Let me know if you are interested by replying to this email.
The only path to joy is the one where we don’t lie at all. When we don't ever pretend to think, be, or feel something we are not. That is when we are living in total integrity with ourselves. When we are open and transparent and take responsibility.
We need the truth like we need water and in this increasingly digital age, we are starving for the truth. In this age of Facebook, social media, Instagram personal brands we are starving the tell the truth. Our truth. To show the world who we really are.
When we pretend that we are, happy to be somewhere, fake a smile, post something on Instagram to make it look like we are having a fantastic time when we are feeling lonely or miserable. We try to paint a bridge between who we are and who we want people to think we are
All that pretending is a form of lying. Lying is one of the most stressful things human beings can do to their brain and their body. This is actually what polygraphs test record. They detect the unconscious stress and fear that lying causes.
Polygraphs don't detect lies. they look at body temperature, moisture, respiratory, heart rate, electricity coming from the screen. Even the pitch of our voice changes when we are pretending. It’s as though our body howls when we are pretending for us to please just stop and tell the truth. This means telling the truth is as natural as it gets
Research has been done. Some people were instructed not to lie for a month. Their physical health improves. The tension goes down, sleep better, fewer headaches, fewer sore throats, improved relationships and less anxiety.
How To Tell The Truth
1) Ask permission.
It’s a good idea to let the other person know you’re interested in having a tough conversation so that they don’t feel blindsided. Ask if the person is willing to talk to you. If the person says no, allow him or her to have a bit more time, and then ask again. Sometimes people need time and space to process that someone has something potentially painful to say. By asking permission, you set the stage for a more reciprocal conversation.
A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard. Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?”
Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you.”
2) Choose an appropriate setting.
Find a quiet place to talk. Some less serious truths can be told in public places – telling a friend they have a piece of spinach in their teeth doesn’t need to be a huge production. But for more heartfelt conversations, it’s best to choose a safe environment where you won’t have to worry about being overheard or making a scene.
A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good choices. You can even try going for a walk.
3) Open with something positive.
It’s important to avoid being accusatory or offensive when you start a hard conversation. Make sure that the other person knows you’re telling the truth because you care. Introduce the topic with a positive, such as “Peter, you’re one of the most important people in my life, so I feel like I need to tell you…” and then move on to the meat of the conversation.
For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal. For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…”
If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…”
4) Don’t beat around the bush.
It’s hard, to tell the truth, and you might be tempted to spend the first thirty minutes talking about work or the weather or that smoothie you had for lunch. The conversation isn’t going to get any easier if you put it off. Summon up your courage and get down to business.
It’s ok to put off the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much.”
It’s not ok to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation.
5) Think before you speak.
Take a second or two to process what has been said before responding. You want to be honest, but make sure you find a way to say something constructive, instead of overreacting to a hurtful comment. This will keep the conversation genuine and open.
If somebody criticizes you during the conversation, avoid responding with “that’s not true!” or “you suck!” Instead, take a few minutes to think about what the person said and respond with something like “I appreciate your honesty.”
6) Accept potential criticism.
You might find that when you bring up something that bothers or troubles you about someone else, they’ll retaliate with something equally as hurtful about you. The conversation won’t go anywhere if you refuse to listen to criticism as you simultaneously dish it out. Keep an open mind and be prepared to hear some truths about yourself that you might not have previously acknowledged.
Don't get defensive and say something like “that’s not true!” This won't lead to anywhere but more arguing.
Instead, acknowledge what they have said: “Ok, I’ll try to work on that. Thanks for letting me know.” This way, they'll know that you’re receptive to change as well.
7) Be honest, but be kind.
Since you’ve already taken the initiative to tell the truth, say everything you want and need to say. Be honest, but do it in a kind manner. Trust your gut when it comes to saying the hard things. If you think it’ll really make a difference, force yourself to make a potentially harsh comment, but use the nicest language that you can. Keep in mind that what you’re saying will probably be really hard for someone else to hear.
For example, if you need to tell a significant other that they aren’t offering you enough emotional support, you can say: “I realize that you’re trying to be supportive, but when you text me 'good luck' instead of showing up at the game, it makes me feel like you don’t really care.”
If you’re trying to tell somebody that they’re not doing well at their job, add in a positive: “I see that you’re very creative, and I would love to see you manage your time better so that you can contribute more to the team.”
The person you’re talking to might not initially be able to process what you’ve said. If you’ve said things in a kind way, they will ultimately realize that your intentions were good the whole time.
Announcements
1) Follow me on Twitter
Since the last conversation, I became verified on Twitter. I’m not sure what this means but I do know it’s recognition that the account is authentic and it’s in the public interest that it happens. Would love you to join me because I intend to use the channel more to distribute content
2) Our God Given Mission Retreat
"There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen"--Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Last week was simply amazing. I spent 7 days with 130 Christians talking about the Holy Spirit and how he changes our lives! I have no words other than, I am forever changed! you can watch the videos and catch up with the event by following Our God Given Mission Online
3) New Podcast Episode
In this episode, M.T. talks about all things social media with the Managing Director of Reeve Social, a Social Media agency based in Norwich.
💬 Apple: https://apple.co/2Raon2r
💬 Spotify: https://spoti.fi/2PBNryR
💬 Anchor: https://anchor.fm/ltcs
Until next week family,
M.T. Omoniyi