Good Morning Digital Family,
Let's jump straight into it today. It may sound like I’m part of a social media hate club but I promise I'm not. It just so happens that a lot of my thought processes and deep reflection revolve around 'my generation' and since social media is our lingua franca, it’s impossible to ignore or dismiss.
“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
I remember having a long debate with a friend during my time at a retreat in 2013. The big debate was about what’s more important, your character or your reputation. Don't worry, I won’t go through the debate again, instead, I want to focus on the idea of who we are when people aren't watching.
The two selves
I’ve been working on a book for the past two years now on the topic of purpose and in one of the chapters, I talk about the concept of selves. I believe that during our day to day lives, each and everyone one of us navigates two different versions of ourself
Our public self is the version we want others to see, so we make a conscious effort to portray ourselves in that way. It's what we do on social media when we edit what we put on our stories. It's what happens when we go through the revolving doors and enter work.
By comparison, our private self reflects the information about ourselves that we don’t want the public to see — so we keep it secret and hidden. This is who we are when we get home, to our safe space, where no one is watching.
When we assess other peoples character, we often confuse these two versions of “self.” In short, we make snap decisions about other people and who they are based on how they present themselves publicly. These snap judgements are often unfounded. Because, people tend to create a public self that promotes and aligns with their goals and biases — rather than presenting something that is true to who they are.
Politicians, for example, create a public self-designed to appeal to the majority — in order to win over voters. The public self, therefore, shouldn’t be taken at face value. It reflects very little about us as people — and is often used as a means to deceive others and persuade them we are something we’re not.
It’s clear, then, that our public self is not a true reflection of our character or value, and reveals very little about us. There is much work to be done on our private self.
You Are Not Your Instagram Feed
I’ve told the story before of an interaction I had with a friend. He had asked me to take some pictures of him whilst we were out. I took the pictures and when he was about to post them on Instagram, he paused and said he couldn’t post the picture.
He said that it didn’t really fit in on his feed. Now, I don't want to make too much of this interaction but it is interesting to note a few things. If he loved the picture but felt like he couldn't post it because of how his feed would appear to others, that would be sad. However what concerns me, even more, is this idea of editing our lives, which social media encourages us all to do. No one is above it. Without knowing it, we all become editors and our lives become a product of sorts. We all have a brand and work tirelessly to maintain a cogent narrative.
A community champion, truth-teller, speaker, socialist. We begin to force our lives, like toothpaste, through the narrow space between our instgram and twitter bios. The truth is, we are more than this public perception and we are only a shell of ourselves when we pay the most attention to our public image, brand and reputation. Social media is a stage and many of us need to get off the stage and live life.
Nothing To Gain, Nothing to Lose
A good indication of someone’s character is what they choose to do when they have nothing to gain, and nothing to lose.
Rather than making choices that benefit them, it is in these instances that they make choices that are authentic and true to them — because, in their eyes, that task is worthwhile in and of itself.
Let’s draw a distinction —
Some do the morally supererogatory thing, like give to charity, solely because it benefits them. Consider businesses that do so as a publicity stunt to boost their public profile, and create a positive public image. We saw a lot of this during the BLM protests a few years ago.
Others do these acts even when there are no motivational forces — there is no benefit to them, and not performing that action has no negative consequences. In short, then, they would give to charity even if nobody was watching — solely because they judge that action good in and of itself.
The latter, reveals a lot about that person’s character. They have strong values and are willing to do the right thing — even when nobody is watching.
The former, by comparison, illustrates a weak character — this person is only prepared to do the right thing when doing so benefits them. That reflects selfishness and a lack of integrity.
It’s clear to me, then, that we should be assessing others character based on what they do when they have nothing to gain or lose — because, only then, will they be able to make selfless acts they just as good in and of themselves, rather than acting for some superficial gain.
“Integrity involves doing the right thing, even when no one is watching” — C.S Lewis
Who is the raw person with secret fears and inhibitions?
Let me be honest with you. I struggle with the reconciliation of the “sides of my personality”. I am torn between being who society thinks I should be, and who I am when alone. I want to be unified in my soul, but pressure from the outside makes me want to conform. I ask myself, on many occasions, “Who are you?” The answer is different from one moment to the next as I try to find my moral compass.
This may look bad to you at first glance, but if you look within, you will see those dark corners and secret passageways yourself. No single one of us is beyond wearing a mask. Yes, some may be more accustomed to living in two, three, or even four states of being feeling no remorse, but even the most honest person has moments where they present another face to the public and it eats away at them. I would like to examine why we do this.
Artificial grass doesn’t grow
It’s a simple truth that astroturf doesn’t grow. If we obsess and focus on the plastic conception of ourselves, the public self, we don’t grow. The most growth in our lives takes place when we confront our private self, who we really are. When we block out the pressures from others and deal with who we really are, we see amazing growth. I’ve found this to be true in my life.
If you want a transformative year, consider taking that private you to dinner, asking him/her what they want from life, uncovering all the areas there are for growth and committing to growing in that area or at least trying. When you put your phone down at night and you get those few minutes with your thoughts before you fall asleep, I want you to be at peace with that person. The direction they are going in and the growth you are seeing. Don’t just focus on looking better, focus on being better.
Have an amazing week
M.T. Omoniyi