You Need to Avoid Dream Killers
I was recently in a conversation with an older friend of mine. I was explaining to him some of the plans I had for the future. Some of the things I was trying to achieve and some ambitious goals I had. After sharing these things with him I expected a characteristic “you got this mike”. Instead, they started to share with me, why they think I couldn't achieve this, doubts, reasons things may not work out. It wasn't after around 3 minutes of talking that I had to stop them to say, 'what are you saying'. They caught themselves, apologised and just moved on.
It was pretty uncharacteristic and so I didn’t see the need to press into it any deeper. However, after that conversation, it did get me thinking. We all know our environment is important for our development so I won’t belabour us with this point. I think it’s even more important if you are a founder or a dreamer, the kind of company you keep. You are already full of doubts, last thing you need when your idea is in an embryonic phase is someone adding to your doubts and sharing with you all the reasons something you are doing may not work.
Even though we know to avoid people like this, sometimes we are pessimistic idea killers and we may not even know it.
Nature vs Nurture
When it comes to how we view the world, most of us fall into one of two categories: optimist or pessimist. And according to experts, whatever category you fall into has a lot to do with your upbringing.
“From my experience, optimism is both a personality trait and a product of our environment,” says Karol Ward, LCSW, a licensed psychotherapist. “From an early age, babies and children pick up the emotional vibes in their homes. If the atmosphere is relaxed and loving, children blossom even if they innately have a tendency towards anxiety. But if the home environment is tense and filled with dysfunction, optimism is one of the first things to go. It's hard to be emotionally open and hopeful when that is not being modelled for you by your caretakers.”
But if you recognize yourself as someone who tends to default to the negative, your childhood isn’t completely to blame.
Studies show that optimism is about 25 per cent inheritable, and then there are other factors that affect our positivity — like socioeconomic status — that are often out of our control. Yet that still leaves a solid amount of wiggle room for us to develop a more optimistic outlook as adults. So if you’re someone who tends to see the negative in a given situation, there's hope.
“Some people are optimistic by nature, but many of us learn optimism as well. Anyone can learn to be optimistic — the trick is to find purpose in work and life,” says Leah Weiss, Ph.D, a Stanford professor specializing in mindfulness in the workplace. “When we work with purpose or live with purpose, we feel more fulfilled and better equipped to see the glass ‘half full.’”
What Do We Mean By Optimism
I've written about how to stop being negative before. This digital entry is different. Stopping negative thoughts and behaviours isn't the same as practising optimism. It’s not the same as dreaming big and surrounding yourself with dream enablers.
Many equate optimism with happiness. But while one can breed the other, they aren’t the same thing. And while optimists are usually pegged as those who only see the positive in every situation, experts say that’s not true, either.
“Positive thinking doesn't mean that you ignore life's stressors. You just approach hardship in a more productive way,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW. “Constructing an optimistic vision of life allows one to have a full interpersonal world in spite of unfortunate circumstances ... [it] reduces feelings of sadness/depression and anxiety, increases your lifespan, fosters stronger relationships with others and provides a coping skill during times of hardship. Being optimistic allows you to handle stressful situations better, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body.”
In fact, experts claim that the real difference between optimists and pessimists isn’t in their level of happiness or in how they perceive a situation, but in how they cope.
“Optimism is a mindset that enables people to view the world, other people and events in the most favourable, positive light possible. Some people describe this as the ‘half glass full’ mentality,” says Dr. Aparna Iyer, psychiatrist and assistant professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. “Optimists do acknowledge negative events, but they are more likely to avoid blaming themselves for the bad outcome, inclined to view the situation as a temporary one and likely to expect further positive
This means as an optimist, when your friend shares an idea with you, rather than defaulting to all the ways it won’t work, you dream with them and consider the possibility of things actually working out. You revel in the possibility of success and you wish them well.
Starting Out
I’ve been able to start and grow multiple projects over the last decade. With each business or charity or project I start, I always meet dream killers. People who hear my ideas and immediately start to tell me why it can't work. I rarely get angry with them, I just make a mental note to keep my distance and to begin a search for other dreamers. As a founder, you simply cannot afford to be around pessimists. You have to resolve to avoid those people and the energy they bring. Its easy to shoot things down, you instead need to find people who are able to see things that aren’t as though they were.
We all have those friends who are chronic complainers or gossipers. After spending a few hours with them we find ourselves jumping on the Debby Downer bandwagon. It’s clear: Negativity is contagious.
Luckily, positive emotions can be contagious, too.
“Just as some diseases are contagious,” Christakis says, “we’ve found that many emotions can pulse through social networks,” says Nicholas Christakis, an HMS professor of medical sociology and of medicine who has researched the contagion of emotions within the larger context of social networks, His research found that happiness may be a collective phenomenon: Having a happy spouse, or a friend or neighbour, who lives within a mile of you appears to increase the probability that you will be happy as well.
This means it’s time to add some optimists to your network.
“Start noticing who you spend time with on a daily basis. If you start connecting to people who are optimistic and grounded in life, you will start to be affected by their positive energy," says Ward. "The same goes for the time you spend with pessimistic people. The more you spend time with negativity, the more negative you are bound to feel.”
Here Are Two Things I would consider
Acknowledge What You Can — and Cannot — Control
“While some people may be unable to deal with uncertainty, positive individuals are able to adapt and thrive. Accept what you can and cannot control in the situation,” says Hershenson. “For example, if you lose your job you cannot control the fact that you were fired or laid off. You can control whether you take steps to find a new job as well as whether you take care of yourself with proper nutrition and sleep.”
Practising mindfulness is a great way to help combat the tendency to ruminate over daily stressors, which is a breeding ground for negativity.
“We often ruminate endlessly without really focusing on the task at hand,” says Weiss. “If you can learn to be in the present space (while allowing other thoughts to enter your brain but then pushing them gently away) without judgement or thought about past or future, you will find that there’s less room for pessimism,” says Weiss.
Don't Forget to Acknowledge the Negative
It's important to remember that making an effort to be more optimistic doesn’t mean walking around wearing rose-coloured glasses. While it's good for our mental health to see the positive in situations, not acknowledging the negative can hinder you in the long run.
“Optimism can be detrimental if it keeps you locked into fantasy and you are in denial about your current reality. You may be optimistic about finding a more lucrative job or loving relationship, but if you do not address the issues that are keeping you from those goals, you will not be able to create what you want,” says Ward. “A combination of optimism and realistic thinking help people navigate through life. Realistic thinking does not mean never seeing the bright side of life; not at all. It is simply a way of supporting your optimism with the action steps so that you can create a positive future as opposed to being stuck in fantasy.”
Final word
Pessimism is cheap, easy and not very interesting. The world is full of it. Dare to be different. Be a dreamer and resist the urge to tear down. Instead, dream big and find friends that dream even bigger.
Have a wonderful week